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Ms.Philbang
Ms.Philbang
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_92.webp "A married man says he became āobsessedā with another woman after meeting her at a course - but his wife has since forgiven him after realising it āwasnāt his faultā.<br/><br/>Ruth Perl, 58, and her husband David, 64, have spent 13 years recovering from the incident.<br/><br/>David never acted on his feelings towards the person he fancied - but he chose to tell the woman after confiding in Ruth.<br/><br/>He started researching an emotional experience known as ālimerenceā - which means intrusive, romantic thoughts about another person. <br/><br/>David realised his feelings were unwanted - he had no control over them and wasn't interested in beginning an affair with the woman. <br/><br/>After telling Ruth about his realisation, the couple spent time rebuilding their relationship - and say theyāre happier than ever.<br/><br/>David, a couplesā therapist from St. Albans, Herts., said: āIt wasnāt a normal crush, it was weird and disturbing - but weāve put in the years to heal ourselves since.<br/><br/>āIt was a difficult one - I did end up telling the other person, as I was encouraged to do so through therapy.<br/><br/>āI think she was horrified - in hindsight, it was really unfair to put that on her.<br/><br/>āBut itās all about forgiveness, weāve done the work and are happier than ever.ā<br/><br/>David met the woman he developed feelings for on January 14, 2011 - after chatting to her at a training course.<br/><br/>Their conversation lasted less than 20 minutes, but David could feel he was ābesottedā by her - without being able to put a finger on why.<br/><br/>āIāve had crushes before,ā he added. āWe both have. But nothing like this - this was really unusual.ā<br/><br/>David thought about her, night-and-day, for weeks.<br/><br/>He looked online at forums about āobsessive loveā - and came across a post about limerence.<br/><br/>He said: āI thought, 'jeez, this is what Iāve got to a T.'<br/><br/>āSomethingās not right - I was absolutely obsessed and I only spoke to her for 20 minutes.<br/><br/>āI kept going over every single word she said to me, every little action.<br/><br/>āThe moment Iād wake up, Iād rehearse in my head what I might say to her if she came up to talk to me.<br/><br/>āIād experience soaring highs if she replied to an email - and extreme lows if she didnāt.<br/><br/>āIt was like an intermittent reward.ā<br/><br/>Knowing the feeling wasnāt going to go away any time soon, he decided to tell Ruth - who also works as a couplesā therapist.<br/><br/>She said: āDavid told me, and this was all going on about five days after my dadās funeral.<br/><br/>āI was in horrific grief at the time, and so my first thoughts were: āOh, for godās sake. How can you be so bloody stupid?ā<br/><br/>āMy dad had just died, and my husband wanted to p*ss off into fantasy land.<br/><br/>āWe went into freefall, and it was a very, very difficult 12 months.ā<br/><br/>After choosing to concentrate on grieving for her dad for a year, Ruth says she āfinally had the brain capacityā to sit down with David, and ask him what was going on.<br/><br/>He hadnāt acted on his feelings - and actively decided he wouldnāt āconsummateā the crush.<br/><br/>āDavid reached out to me,ā Ruth said. āHe asked me, āplease help me understand whatās going on.ā<br/><br/>āHe was so confused. I asked him if he still wanted to be married, and he said, āI donāt want to throw away what weāve got.ā<br/><br/>āI told him to sit in the confusion, and Iād do what I could to support him.<br/><br/>āBut I knew that what will be will be, we might not necessarily make it out of this.ā<br/><br/>David said: āWe started having marriage counselling - and one thing I want to stress is it isnāt an excuse to cheat.<br/><br/>āI was responsible for what I did - but it did make me realise that often, people donāt set out to have an affair.ā<br/><br/>David explored some of the ways therapists encourage people to āhealā from limerence - including starving themselves from contact, or consummating it with the other person.<br/><br/>He settled on going to therapy, and letting the woman know he couldnāt speak to her anymore.<br/><br/>Now, David and Ruth help other couples going through the same thing - and have taught their children, Hannah-Mai, 32, and Isobel, 29, how to value their own relationships.<br/><br/>Ruth said: āIt was important our two daughters knew about all this.<br/><br/>āThey were older teenagers when this was all going on, and they understood it.<br/><br/>āWe thought it was very important for them to understand that all marriages have differences - but you donāt throw the towel in when the going gets tough.<br/><br/>āEven when youāre talking about a full-blown physical affair. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit.ā")
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